That’s Trivial, YOU’RE Trivial!

"Sometimes it's just a trivial little thing that sets people off."

Got that from a Yahoo news article about a Texan husband who shot his 2 dogs and his wife after just because one of the dogs defecated in their home. The wife died instantly from the gunshot in her head.

The quote above was uttered by the police inspector in the crime scene and somehow, it had a reverberating echo in my head just because I nearly lost it last night due to some supposedly “trivial things” that happened at home.

It started on my way home when I saw an apple green new beetle which I have always thought of as a good or lucky omen. I thought, maybe it’s what I needed because just like a bomb about to explode, my separation anxiety is about to go off several hours away from Honey’s vacation trip back to the Philippines. (He will travel 5 days ahead of me because he has more vacation leave.)

But it seemed like the ‘bomb’ is about to explode earlier than expected. When Hon and I went to do some last minute shopping in Hamdan Center (which is like Quiapo or Greenhills in the Philippines), I have battled the first sign of my separation anxiety attack. Before going home, I went in to look at one of the shops and let the boyfriend wander at other shops which is what we normally do. So I took my time thinking that he is still looking at stuff at other shops (surprisingly, he is the longer-shopper than me). But then I received a text message from him saying that he’s already in the car which was parked several blocks from the mall. So I was left to walk towards the car by myself. When I got there, I immediately asked him a pent-up, “Why the hell did you leave me?” And that ticked him off as instantly as it hit me that he left me in a crowded mall by myself when he could have just went back to the shop where he left me and we could walk together towards the car. He said, “There were ates who were bugging me to buy their kakanin, I had to escape.” 

Really, that’s it?

I don’t think he could ever understand my separation anxiety. Parting times really make me crazy and I feel like every second counts, hours or days before saying goodbye to someone. Though there’s no use in telling him that right after I received his sms saying that he was already in the car I lost my breath and I immediately felt abandoned and lost. But I just silently sat in the car until we got home just to avoid an argument.

As if that was not enough, when we got home, we were told by flatmates that our previous “crazy bitch” roommate will return in a few days from the Philippines (after mental treatment) and will be in the same room with me! That’s my cue to finally set off the pent-up anger I was carrying.

GRRR!

I was blinded with rage, I didn’t care about what I said and who I hurt with the truth in my words. How come in a room of 6 people, I was the only one brave enough to say that this crazy bitch can’t stay with us anymore because 1. She’s crazy and 2. She’s a lying and manipulative bitch! I am so sick and tired of being told how to make “pakisama” or adapt to other people. I wouldn’t have true and loyal friends if I didn’t know a thing about “pakikisama” for crying out loud. And no one, no one, needs to have a college degree in communication to know the difference between a person you can trust and a crazy lying bitch.

I guess this is the crucial difference between me and my man. He is a diplomatic, friendly, accommodating, good fella, while I am a straightforward, intuitive, loyal and a one-time-mess-up kind of person. While my man is very peace-loving, I am a totalitarian when it comes to what I believe is right. And that includes my intuitively accurate way of choosing my friends and fighting for my rights. I am finding it hard to come up with a way to settle this one difference between the two of us. As for now, I could only retort with a “cold war” with the true enemies – my separation anxiety and that bitch. Of course I can’t be angry with the beau, maybe it’s just the separation anxiety speaking.

Argh! I blame it on the apple green beetle!

"Fear, as opposed to anxiety, has a definite object (as most authors agree), which can be faced, analyzed, attacked, endured. One can act upon it, and in acting upon it participate in it even if in the form of struggle. In this way one can take it into one's self-affirmation. Courage can meet every object of fear, because it is an object and makes participation possible. Courage can take the fear produced by a definite object into itself, because this object, however frightful it may be, has a side with which it participates in us and we in it. One could say that as long as there is an object of fear, love in the sense of participation can conquer fear. But this is not so with anxiety, because anxiety has no object, or rather, in a paradoxical phrase, its object is the negation of every object. Therefore participation, struggle, and love with respect to it are impossible. He who is in anxiety is, insofar as it is mere anxiety, delivered to it without help."

Read more at http://quotes.dictionary.com/search/separation-anxiety#Tx0Xi7RYZDEhxdio.99

Of Awkward Mean Girls Bullying

I have this really weird feeling that the universe is conspiring to stop my mean girl streak. I am not exactly mean, as in mean. It’s just that I have this way of saying exactly what’s on my mind sans the tact, thinking over, consideration and editing. I sort of blurb the words out of my mouth before I could actually think what they mean or who they would affect (or hurt) in the process. So most of the time, I don’t 100% ‘mean’ the ‘mean’ words I say. They’re just mere ‘unedited’ observations without the flowery adjectives or much thought. Needless to say, I don’t wish bad things to happen to anyone because I know how it feels to be put in a bad light or be in a bad state, believe me, I do.

So now, I feel that the world around me is sending me a message telling me to be less critical and more sensitive to the people around me. An example of this conspiracy is like what happened to this old, engineer in the office who looks like someone I watched from a horror movie. We just received news that he had a heart attack (read: he’s recovering now). I was not even making fun of the poor old man. I just wanted to remember what that movie was where I saw his look-alike. Yet, I feel really bad for what happened to him and posting his pic on FB before (to ask help to remember that movie) didn’t do any good for him.

Another sign is all over the TV series which I am currently hooked up to: Awkward. It is about a 16-year old Jenna Hamilton who is that odd girl trying to survive high school in spite of the misconstrued accident which left the whole world to think that she is suicidal and plain, odd. Prior to my watching the first season of Awkward, I came across (from Yahoo News to WikiPedia) the story of the infamous Seung-Hui Cho and the Virginia Tech massacre. So if you add up the two, you will have = high school bullying, suicide and all forms of ‘meanness’ and its end-result.

But don’t jump into conclusions and think that I am all these – mean, suicidal, psychopath, bully and weird. Though you can do a double thought on the last descriptive noun. Ehrm. What I am trying to say is, even though ‘non-critical’ words bordering on ‘fluffy’ come out of my mouth, something still happens to that object of my blurb. Here is an example.

me and my baby bro

Me to my youngest baby brother: Ooooh you’re sooo cute! Taba-taba! (Very chubby!)

Next day:

My mom: Haay Ican has a fever, it’s because you said yesterday that he’s very chubby.

Another classic example:

Me: Hon, I am not complaining but, why are you so hyper today?

Next day:

Honey: Hon, my back is aching and I’m having chills, I think I am down with the flu. Because you said I was very hyper yesterday.

Me: What THE?

My boyfriend told me I have a “curse” (his word for lack of a better term or one of his lost in translation moments) or “usog” in Tagalog which means:

Usog is a Filipino superstition that attributes an illness to the greeting of a stranger. It is believed that young children are susceptible to usog. If after encountering a stranger, a child develops a fever, the stranger is sought out and asked to wipe his or her saliva on the child's forehead, chest or abdomen.

http://tagaloglang.com/Tagalog-English-Dictionary/English-Translation-of-Tagalog-Word/usog.html

Seriously?

Thanks to this “usog” I will carry the burden of guilt every time I express my disdain or appreciation of something or someone then something bad happens afterwards. So, should I just keep my mouth shut all the time to keep ‘karmic’ words from coming out? Hmm, that’s hard but doable.

But then, you know what I think, maybe this is universe’s way of saying that I should pursue my writing! When I am writing, there are no ‘usog’ or karmic words that could be attached to someone or something, because the words are not spoken by my mouth, but with my mind. When I write things like my plans for a year, they come true! And most of all, when I write, I get a lot of time to think and edit what I have to say therefore, no mean things will come out (most of the time and unintentionally), unless I intentionally bash someone in my blogs (or in FB). It’s a win-win situation for all right?

Ooh, I really love technology and the things it allows us to do! 


I decided that it was not wisdom that enabled poets to write their poetry, but a kind of instinct or inspiration, such as you find in seers and prophets who deliver all their sublime messages without knowing in the least what they mean.
Socrates 

Oh for the Love of Books!

One of the reasons why I can’t wait for my vacation to the Philippines is because I miss my books! I have tried collecting stationeries, stamps, notebooks, Ghostfighter items, Tazmanian Devil items, boxes etc. but the one collection that I was able to maintain are books. I have a considerable amount of books which if piled constructively, I’d be able to live in them, literally.

I actually spend more money on books than in clothes or shoes or any other vanity paraphernalia. I didn’t have to think twice before buying a book than I have to think several times before buying a comfortable pair of shoes. Bargain bookstores are heaven for me especially those that carry hard-to-find books. 

I could remember this one time when I was in Booksale in Cubao beside Gateway Mall, I saw no other than Pen Medina (indie film actor). I was so star-struck that I just followed him inside the undersized thrift book store. Or maybe I was just surprised that a “celebrity” would scour thrift book stores when he can actually buy online or be in the more posh, high-end bookstores.

When Powerbooks also had a sale in Eastwood way back, I had the honor of being hit on by no other Clem Castro of the now-defunct Orange and Lemons while I was browsing over books particularly Hitler and Stahlin: Parallel Lives by Alan Bullock (which I also bought to commemorate the brief encounter). Then there was this book fair in Hotel Intercon in Makati before where I saw up close performances by Radioactive Sago Project and UpDharmaDown.

Books really take me to places, literally and figuratively. That’s why I wouldn’t exchange my books for a MacBook Air (unless it’s a gift) or the latest tablet producers can come up with (I am extremely content with my iPad2). I will always go back to the smell of the old and yellowed pages of books that have always been my companion whenever I feel alone.

That’s why in this vacation, I will be rewarding my beloved books with a decent home which I wish will be placed in my dream coffee house in the near future. That way, I can share the joy and companionship that my books have brought into my geeky life!

my dream shelves

A book is the only place in which you can examine a fragile thought without breaking it, or explore an explosive idea without fear it will go off in your face.  It is one of the few havens remaining where a man's mind can get both provocation and privacy.  ~Edward P. Morgan

Work: To Love or Not To Love?

Since I am at work and can’t think of anything to write about, I will write about work. It’s been 9 long years since I started working. I was still in college then when I was commissioned by our film org to be one of 3 film reviewers for ClicktheCity.com for their website and SMS-blast of reviews of upcoming films. It was a very good opportunity then as I was still a student and I was able to have extra cash to use for my education, plus, I love what I was doing – writing and having free tickets to the latest movies! Not bad for my first source of bacon, er, paycheck.

I should tell you that I was the eldest among my four brothers and being the breadwinner is “gracefully” placed on my shoulders ever since I went to school. I was like groomed to be the family’s breadwinner. And the pressure progressed even more when I attended the University of the Philippines. I think my family has cradled this grand fantasy that if I graduated from the university, the best opportunities will just be handed to me like royalty. This is why I never, should never, ever lose a job no matter what. Just so they will not lose faith to my alma mater, at least.

MinneHAHA friends

And so, right after or even during college, I had to get a job, which I managed to find, thanks to the call-center-wagon. It was a glorified job that set an unrealistic starting salary to my parents. Fortunately, I was able to endure it for 3 years just because it paid the bills, helped me finish college and sent me off to Boracay and Palawan.

After a series of unfortunate events (i.e. psychosomatic sickness & antisocial behavior), I finally let go of the job and settled for a project-based research job which ran for 2 months only but it was a really good stint. It paid well, I was good at it and most of all, I owned my time. It was really great however short-lived it was.

Petster: one of the projects I had with PCCI

Shortly after, I was referred by my friend to the Philippine Canine Club Inc. where her dad was one of the Directors. The pay was relatively small and the immediate boss sucked (big time!) but that job and department was mine (creative, publications & marketing). But the greatest part of this stint was that it brought me to my soulmate, Ze Boyfriend! I only lasted less than a year though as that immediate boss brought forth hell to prevent me from taking over the club. Did I mention, I was also favorite of the Directors?

After that one monster-boss, I was transferred to another. But this time in a more challenging and posh setting – I became a Marketing Specialist in Generali Pilipinas in Makati. The pay was good, the work was good the only problem was that the boss was… indescribable! But I endured it for a while because I got to travel and live in a condo, how cool was that? (eyes rolling)

The last job I had before I went to work here in Abu Dhabi was a stint as Associate Editor in PCSO’s bi-monthly publication, Bwenas Ka (Lucky You). Lucky me indeed, again, I was doing what I loved to do (write and research) and the pay was good and I could do work from home!

Still, the income wasn’t enough as 3 of my brothers were all in college then so I decided to come here since Ze Boyfriend was here already in Abu Dhabi. I tried my luck here and fortunately, even amidst all the so-called OFW hardships and sacrifices, I was able to get by.

But of course one could not prevent me from wondering, what if I pursued a job in line with my college course (film and audiovisual communication) or writing? What if I delved into business or the film industry? Would I be happier? Richer? Or more miserable?

18th floor staff and some site people

I guess it’s too late to turn back now as I am about to turn 30 next year. And I am already here at an established company (very far from what I took up in college – engineering consultancy) with nothing to do at the moment but blog about my previous jobs and what-could-have-beens. When in fact, I should be grateful that I actually have a job that sent my brothers to school, pays the house for my parents and that actually allows me to do what I love doing, write, travel, take photos, eat and read – and hopefully, in the near future, will also allow me to put up a business of my own.

Indeed, it’s a matter of perspective really. It’s up to us on what we choose to see, a half-full or half-empty glass. And with all the fruits of this hard labor, I must say that all the sacrifices and hard work and exhaustion are worth it. As I said, it’s all a matter of perspective, seeing the grace in little things and in things that don’t go our way. Based on experience, there will always be a saving grace to every hardship that we encounter.

A man's work is nothing but this slow trek to rediscover, through the detours of art, those two or three great and simple images in whose presence his heart first opened. 

Albert Camus

Oh for the Love of Cars!

 

One of the numerous things that I have in common with my beau is the love for cars. Me, I just love to drive (matic only) and him, he loves to drive, tinker and play “the mechanic” to our cars which we named Beewee, the old one was Alvin. Ever since we came to Abu Dhabi, we were both “car culture shocked” as you can find all sorts of cars here, from the ordinary to the luxurious and in different shapes, color and sizes.

I must say, we have been to almost ALL car shows held here in Abu Dhabi and the most recent one we attended was the one in Sharjah. Let me share some photos of the car shows we’ve been to.

“the winner ain't the one with the fastest car its the one who refuses to lose”

Dale Earnhardt (American NASCAR Race driver. 1951-2001)

Sh. Hamad Car Exhibition

Barbican Car Show

ADNEC

ADNEC

Ferrari World

Sharjah Motor Show

Ferrari World

Sharjah

Disney or Harry?

Harry Potter Exhibition in SG

MY Dopey!

In continuation with my previous entry and after re-reading the part about the union of 2 Water Signs in relationships, I realized that I haven’t given much credit to Ze Boyfriend in writing. I am sure he will blush in shame (or in anger, uh-oh!) if he knows that he is the topic of this entry, making him a “Bashful” instead of a “Dopey” as my college best friend refers to him.

Hmm, where to start? Let’s start with our very first chat. As you all know, a friend introduced us to each other when I was still working in the Philippine Canine Club. I was the creative head there and Ze Boyfriend was a Labrador breeder (1, 2, 3, awwwwwww!) Since he was living in Cagayan de Oro then, and I was in Manila, we delved into the wonderful web of chatting first. Early chats went like this:

BF: Hi, online ka? (are you online?)

Me: Malamang! (uh, not really!)

But that did not stop Mr. Lover Boy from being a real life Noah Calhoun from The Notebook to me.

So since Mr. Lover Boy was fortunate enough to be an EC Engineer and worked at the top telecom company in the Philippines, he resorted to non-stop mobile conversations and mushy but sweet e-mails on the side.

At first I thought he was nervous that’s why he was very conversant and doesn’t run out of stories about him and his life. Little did I know that he is really friendly and chatty in real life! I guess that’s just his way of opening up with me so I get to know him better. But aside from that, what struck me most about him was that he was very open and honest and straight-to-the-point. Our 10-year age difference must have made him ask me one question and one statement in one short sentence:

“I am courting you, now tell me, do I have a chance or are we wasting each other’s time?”

So when I said yes to the first option, he became everything I hoped for in a life partner, too good to be true but, in my heart and in spite of the protests from other people, I know he is The One.

In this day and age where temptations abound and marriage is but a piece of paper signed by two parties, I really feel very lucky to find someone who is able to respect a lifetime commitment and someone who accepts me for who I am, the good and the bad. Similarly, I was also able to find in him, someone I could love and accept for he who he was, for what he has become and for who he can still be. And the surprising thing is that this Dopey keeps on giving me reasons every day to love him even more!

Yes, he has changed a lot since we first met, he was good enough already then, and now, he has become a better man. From being honest, he became more loyal. From being friendly, he became more compassionate. From being slow to anger, he became more understanding. From being a giver, he became selfless. From being just a dream for me, he became a reality.

He is my pillar of strength, my happy pill, confidence-booster, confidante, emotional punching bag, adviser and most of all, my family and my best friend ever! I believe these two branches of flowing water finally found their way to flow together in one course. And after 4 years and counting, I firmly believe that we will grow old and grow better together.

Noah: I am no one special. Just a common man with common thoughts. I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but in one respect I've succeeded as gloriously as anyone who ever lived. I've loved another with all my heart and soul and for me that has always been enough.

Just Keep Swimming

Just came from a weekend hiatus with Ze Boyfriend and two other friends at the Etisalat Academy in Dubai. We went to that place not for couples’ retreat but to actually try out their temperature-controlled swimming pool. And so, we spent the whole morning trying out different strokes like, dog swim, duck swim, dolphin dive, backward swimming and other hilarious swimming styles we could think of, because out of the 4 of us there, only Ze Boyfriend is the swimmer.

It was indeed a relaxed and recharging weekend for all of us. I learned that I knew how to swim, well if you call half-a-lap swimming, then, I can swim. But still, I get intimidated by the thought of drowning if the pool surface is not reachable by my feet and I get even more panicky when I start to lose breath.

But there is something about water that draws me to it. Maybe because I was born under a water sign (Scorpio) or that maybe my emotions flow like that of water (of silent water, I wish). Either way, I have always associated my feelings and emotion with water i.e. turbulent, displaced, follows the shape of its container, downpour, drizzle, calm etc.  

In astrology, Water Sign is defined as:

Water signs are attuned to waves of emotion, and often seem to have a built-in sonar for reading a mood. This gives them a special sensitivity in relationships, knowing when to show warmth and when to hold back. At their best, they are a healing force that brings people together -- at their worst, they are psychic vampires, able to manipulate and drain the life force of those closest to them.

Water signs are tuned into the many shades of meaning in relationships, and at times can absorb "vibes" from others. They have to work harder than other elements to maintain their personal boundaries.

Moreover, Water Sign + Water Sign (that’s me and Ze Boyfriend) in relationships, spell:

Here is a pair that can dive together into the deep end, for better and worse. They'll understand the need of the other for "me" time to process all they've experienced. But two Water signs can easily merge and lose their sense of boundaries. This might not always be a bad thing, but at times it might feel like two people at the mercy of the emotional highs and lows of life. With balancing elements, this can be an incredibly close bond, to the point of being telepathic.

Promising, huh?

Anyhow, I am just glad I get to spend one quiet weekend with my beau. Just like the temperature-controlled swimming pool, it is times like these that make our relationship warm, calm and steady. I just hope next time I wouldn’t forget to bring my underwater camera case so that I can preserve these fleeting yet memorable moments just like the relaxing weekend that we had.

The cure for anything is salt water -- sweat, tears, or the sea.
- Isak Dinesen

P.S.

I am trying to recall a movie wherein a guy (or a girl) sits underwater for too long just to prove a point. I am thinking if it’s Swimfan or The Guardian or some other movie. Please help me, if you remember such movie, please refresh my memory. These days, I am really finding it hard to recall the things I liked before.

My Pseudo-Quest to ascertain that Survivor isn’t as far from Real Life as we Thought

I finally got my book, The Psychology of Survivor by Richard J. Gerrig last night from Magrudy’s bookstore! Being a Survivor-fanatic, I am going to ambition to write about the parallelism between the Survivor series and the so-called “real life” (that is, after I finish reading the book). I just have to find my angle yet.

There is very little difference between what we see in the series and in our everyday lives, hence, my addiction to the said hit series, both local and international versions. I am too consumed at how the characters are almost the same as the people we deal with everyday, to the point that wherever I am, I pretend to be a Castaway so I think, interact and decide like one. Weird, huh? (What’s weirder though is that I bash the annoying Castaways on Facebook just to vent out my irritation.)

Nevertheless, this book came just right in time to add fuel to my recently-awakened slumbering muse. Here’s me going back again to reading paperbacks instead of e-books. It is indeed a joy to be going back to the basics just in time for my fast approaching vacation back to the Philippines.

Time for another Survivor adventure!

“Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hope”

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.” 

Timeless Longings

One of the greatest lessons ever taught to me by my father is that TIME is always of the essence. That is why he told me to use my time wisely because we’ll never know when it will run out.

I remember how my parents would scare the hell out of me when I was still a kid by acting (and I mean acting!) like they’re “dying” and they wouldn’t stop until my then sweet innocent 3-year old self would bite my lip to suppress my tears which were then falling helplessly on my rosy and chubby cheeks. Pretty brutal for a toddler huh? Guess I know now where my incurable separation anxiety came from.

"Above and beyond paying attention to feelings before and after a separation, never threaten your child with leaving or loss of love in an effort to control her behavior. Children believe their parents' assertions that "I will send you away," "I won't love you any more," "I'll go away," and are terrified with good reason. Fear is a very poor way of disciplining a child, and it can cause severe lifelong anxiety."

Read more at http://quotes.dictionary.com/search/separation-anxiety#Tx0Xi7RYZDEhxdio.99

Nevertheless, I learned a lot from that parental brutality. I learned to value the time that we spend with loved ones. I learned to value time itself and make the most out of it to be able to do the things that I want, make an impact to the world I will leave behind when I die and to just be grateful to the borrowed time that God has given to us.

Now, being an almost-30 adult, I am at a stage wherein time seemed to pass me by like a wind without me being able to mark a day as memorable as I used to. Nowadays, time seemed to fly even whether or not I am having a good time, and it goes even faster when I start to have fun. It seemed that I am stuck in a black and white, slow-moving film which is never-ending which also explains why my writing and art muses went MIA ever since this black and white, slow-moving film began.

And so, after several months of being mum in the blogosphere, moping over FB, doing self-exile at home and at work, having finished several TV series and practically floating away in my world, I decided to get back to my feet and wake up from my zombie slumber. If not now, when (right)?

Therefore, this newly opened chapter in my life (or just another one of my blogs) will be a celebration of the precious time lent to us by the Ultimate Time-keeper. Let us hope that He will allow us to make up for our lost time as well as those we un-thoughtfully wasted.

“Some say it is best not to go near the center of time. Life is a vessel of sadness, but is noble to live life and without time there is no life. Others disagree. They would rather have an eternity of contentment, even if that eternity were fixed and frozen, like a butterfly mounted in a case.”

― Alan Lightman, Einstein's Dreams