Damn! I Got Old

When I was young-er… oh, as I type the words, it seemed like eons away from what I am and where I am now. When I was young, I said to myself that I will not become what the older people are – jaded, uninspired and humorless. I said to myself that I will not let go of my dreams, that I will keep on pursuing my happiness and that I will never get tired of life and the surprises it brings. I thought that I will forever be my parents’ darling, my relatives’ favorite and my friends’ best friend there is. I was under the illusion that since I graduated from the State University, everything will be handed over to me, at least in an ordinary platter and that I do not have to work hard for it as the others. I thought everything was perfect and I could be the carefree and independent artist that I wanted to be – but then, I grew old…

All of these assumptions are all gone with the wind, or burst like a bubble or got burned up by the harshness of reality. Before, I get to see the good in all people but now, I see only the flaws and the shortcomings. When I was young, I see the glass as half-filled but now, it is empty.

When I came to work here in a foreign land some three years ago, it is as if I aged a century already. With this country’s backward ways and backward people, I only feel more stuck, unimportant and void. As if being the breadwinner in the family is not enough, I had to go abroad to be enslaved by a culture that is very far different from ours, a culture that does not give much respect to individuality and humanity. This has furthered the strangled feeling I have ever since I stepped foot on foreign soil. Now, I believe in what they say, that it is still more fun in the Philippines.

I never thought that I will come into this point where I will hate an old person and become that person that I hate. Before, I was only that naïve, simple-minded, uncomplicated, carefree girl that’s very easy to like. Now I have become grumpy, demanding, hot-headed and un-exciting. I have become more unreceptive, un-appreciative, bored and impassive. Nothing can spark my passion anymore. I am losing the drive to do and to be. I am about to lose sight of my dreams which are slowly starting to wither.

All of these might be completely gone, unless I nurture my inner child again. How? I am not sure anymore. But one thing that is good about being old is that old people think that they know everything. So maybe along the way, I will be able to find the child within and become the best person I can be. For now, I will try to face the real world with the eyes of an adult.